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THE TOP 10 (SELLING) BEERS IN AMERICA 2012

02.17.2012 05:00 AM

Over the past five years, we’ve wisely (IMHO) opted to smote beers like Old Milwaukee, Bud Select and Miller Genuine Draft.

Their sales obviously didn’t plummet because we stopped drinking beer. I’d like to think that Americans are foregoing the beers our fathers and grandfathers favored because we’re getting more mature and refined in our taste.

Granddad was the honey badger of his time. He didn’t give a shit if his beer tasted good. He'd drink straight from the bottle of Kessler and whisper to me "each one takes 5 years off grandma."

(Not really my Grandma!)

I didn't know what he meant back then. I do now. But I wish I didn't.

Grandma always told me to steer clear when "grandpa took his medicine.”

Back then, you drank to get DRUNK. End of story. You also drank because “America is great” -– so, in other words, you didn’t drink those rat bastard Commie beers like Yanjing or Nazi beer like Löwenbräu. You drank Budweiser and Pabst Blue Ribbon… GO GO ‘MERICA!


I'd like to think (hope) that, as beer-drinkers, we've matured to something a little more pleasing to the palette.

Yet, according to beer sales, our collective tastes have swayed to...

THE TOP 10 (SELLING) BEERS IN AMERICA 2012

  1. Bud Light: 19.2% market share
  2. Budweiser: 12%
  3. Miller Light: 8.6%
  4. Coors Light: 7.8%
  5. Natural Light: 4.2%
  6. Corona: 4%
  7. Busch: 2.8%
  8. Busch Light: 2.8%
  9. Heineken: 2.4%
  10. Miller High Life: 2.3%

Are you utterly flabbergasted!?

It makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. It’s not even like we’re trading up for beer with higher alcohol content! We’re just trading one old watered-down, tin-flavored beer for another!

Shame on you, America! Shame on you!

I’ve always said that people who say their favorite beer is Coors Light are really saying they don’t like beer at all. The fact that it’s #4 in market share literally horrifies me.

Interesting how Budweiser is both “most loved” and “most hated.” Well, “The King” has a longer way to fall… what can I say? People are still talking about those stupid fucking frogs..

... and I still have one friend who answers his phone with that obnoxious “WHASSSSSSUP?!

Budweiser is still a major sponsor of Nascar and (again, IMHO) seems to be big among dentally challenged American brothers and sisters. Make of that what you will.

The fact that Natural Ice and Busch show up at all only tells me that the older guys switched to cheaper brands once Budweiser became “too uppity.” Sadly, I wonder about the relationship between decreased retirement income and appearance of Busch and Natty. The worms, the spice... is there a connection?

One thing glaringly apparent: Americans are drinking more LIGHT beer.

Is this our way of combating the obesity epidemic and our bulging beer guts? “Oh, I’ll just drink LIGHT beer. That’ll help me lose weight!”

C'mon! You KNOW that’s not true. So you must be doing it because you think OTHER people will think you care about how you look.

You imagine they'll presume you spend your non-drinking hours pumping iron, running 5-Ks, and eating rice cakes dabbed with organic probiotic low-fat hummus (whatever the fuck that is!).

The reality is (and we both KNOW this...) that when you're not at the bar, you're on the couch swilling your crap beer and gorging yourself on Totino's Pizza Rolls, twice-fried Honey Teriyaki wings, and eating vanilla cake frosting...

... from the can... with your fingers.

So those are the top selling beers in America. They make up about 95% of ALL beer sold.

Sadly, I admit that price is a big factor in beer choice and I wish that wasn't the case. We've become a country of quantity over quality, a country of super-sized eating, big-gulp drinking, buffet-loving, XXXXL fat asses where price is king, even when the product isn't fit for the plebes.

-- JENNN

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